"You're not called to be here" and other lies.

You're alone. You're not worth knowing. You're weird. You don't belong.
You're not good enough. You're not Christian enough. You're not called to be here.

Do you even believe this stuff? If God was real, wouldn't you have friends by now? A church home?
Wouldn't you feel fulfilled? Happy? Delighted? 

Where is your God?

These are the lies among many that I have heard as I go throughout my day. Thoughts of doubt that seem foreign to my mind, but cut deeply to my heart.

My time at seminary has been deeply isolated. I spend a majority of my time at home (which all my roommates and family members will tell you is not usual) alone in my room with the door closed.

And not for lack of trying to spend time with people, but it seems everyone is busy all the time. So I see my friends once every three weeks. And I am alone. And lonely. And sad.

Or, at least, I was.

This last week I went home to Savannah for fall break. And while I was there, I got to see (if even only for a second) so many people. People who I love, ministered to, and worked with the last four years. And they reminded me: you are in Christ. You have an identity in Christ. He is your contentment. He is your comforter. The God of the Universe is with you! You do not go alone!

They reminded me of the Lord's ministry through me in the last four years. Of His faithfulness and tenderness to care for people that He has put in my path. And He reminded me:

"You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." -Matthew 7:13-14, NLT

So my time here has been difficult. It has been crying myself to sleep for days, it has been praying to God out of loneliness and brokenness. What should I do? Should I go back to Savannah where I have a robust ministry, with more work to do and forget what I've done here? Should I leave seminary, thinking that this is not where God has called me? Because I'm with more Christians than I have ever been, and I am more lonely that I had ever thought. Surely God does not want this for me.

NO.

I will not leave. I cannot leave. Because those lies, the lies that make me doubt, that cause me to question my worth, my faith, my calling. They are a fiery flame, seeking to devour me. But my path is set and my steps sure: I am on the pathway that leads to Life and I do not go on my way alone.

The Lord has called me here.

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." -1 Peter 1:6-9, NLT

And you know, I'm not alone. I'm not the only one at seminary who feels like things would just be easier if I weren't here. I'm not the only one who feels like I'm walking through fire alone.

And after two months of feeling that way, I just found out yesterday that my friends were feeling that way too. That amidst our busyness and studying and working that we were all feeling lonely and inadequate and wondering if we should just pack up and leave.

In many regards, we are inadequate. We cannot save the world. We cannot change a human heart. We can not open someone's eyes to the Truth.

"When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” " -Matthew 19:25-26, ESV


Not alone. But we have the honor, the privilege and the gift of sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ! And God by His Spirit can save the world, can change human hearts and can open the eyes of the blind. And He chose me, not by my merits or goodness or character, but by His grace and Mercy to use me, to work through me.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." -Ephesians 2:8-10

And He called me to be here in this place for this time so that I could be prepared for a lifetime of service as a missionary called and sent to the ends of the earth to share the Good News of Jesus Christ: That we are sinners, broken, lost and hurting and that we need someone to cleanse us, mend us, find us and heal us. And the God who created you, who knows your innermost thoughts and feelings and formed you has paid the penalty for your sin. He has put sin to death through His sacrifice on the cross and brought us newness of life in His resurrection.

This is why I am at seminary. And if I have to walk through hellfire in order to see people know the Truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, then I will know that I don't walk alone, but that the God of the Universe goes with me.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'"-Matthew 11:30, NLT

As for the lies, they are truly from the Devil. Who else would rally harder against effective ministers of the Gospel? Who else would cause those so dedicated to God to question the very foundations of their faith?

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." -James 4:7-8

And now that we know that we have all been under attack, we are bound together in the truth. And will fight against the Devil with the weapons of the Lord: truth, righteousness, the gospel of peace, faith, salvation and the Word of God through prayer and perseverance.

Glory to our God. Honor to His name! Victory is ours in Christ!