I know I'm quite terrible at updating this regularly. I would like to say I'll get better, but the school year would swallow me up whole if I tried.
Today though, I am taking the time to talk about the Lord and his movement in my life. The quarter started off wonderfully, I thought I had all my ducks in a row and that this was just going to be peachy. Now, I would be a liar to say that wonderful things haven't happened, but since the beginning of the quarter some little monsters have hopped into this and sort of mucked things up.
But before I talk about the Little Loneliness Monsters, I will talk about the Lord's provision at the beginning of the quarter.
The Lord is ever-faithful, and the Lord is ever-providing. For that, I am truly eternally grateful. At the beginning of the quarter, the Lord reconciled my relationship with a dear friend who held bitterness against me through no inherent fault of my own (not to say I am without wrong), but rather a thorn of bitterness growing in her heart. I am so thankful that the Lord reconciled that relationship. Through that, I have been so blessed by her friendship. She truly is an amazing woman of God, and I didn't realize how much I was missing out on last quarter.
The Lord has also knit my heart closely with my friend Kat. I cannot say enough good things about the Lord's faithfulness and providence in this friendship! I will not venture too deeply into this, because this is not my main point, but to say this: I have prayed with my dear sister Kat that our hearts would be knit tightly together. I feel that that has been done to a point where I can trust her with everything and know that she will listen, understand and not hide the truth from me when it needs to be made known. I am ever blessed by her friendship.
I feel the real focus of my Winter quarter has been being alone. Not loneliness necessarily, but simply being alone. I don't mean to digress to differentiate between the two words, but bear with me for a moment.
At the deepest core of my being, I will never be lonely. I don't feel lonely now, and I don't expect that I will ever truly believe that I am entirely lonely. I cannot be and still claim to believe what I believe. The Lord is always with me, always living in me. Let that be known before I press on.
Now, I press on, I am learning to be alone. This may be one of the most frustrating things in existence and I'm really horrible at it. I don't mean this in the sense that I am separating myself from community, but my meaning is twofold. One, I need to take time to be alone. Jesus was leaving the crowds all the time to go off and pray. I need to do that.
Two, I mean, I don't feel an overwhelming desire to just have a boyfriend. I do want one, yes. I do want to have one person that I can sit and talk to and know that they'll be there tomorrow. But I am learning to put it out of my mind until it becomes something I need to worry about.
I love building my life together with someone. That intertwining that happens in a relationship. I trust it will come at some point. I trust that at some point I will find a person who feels as strongly about me as I do about them. It is a desire on my heart, and know that the Lord sees that and will hear my prayer. I trust and know these things.
But it's that interim. It's the time where I have to learn to be alone. It's the time where I need to work on being deeply rooted in the Lord. Who knows how long this interim will be? Only the Lord. And I need to trust in that outside of just saying, "I trust in the Lord." I need to wholly submit my spirit to God and let Him provide what is best in its own time.
Now, that's all good and well, but it's very difficult. Especially when I find myself surrounded by men of God whom I truly care about and have a real desire to get to know better (not necessarily in a romantic sense). But there's a point where getting that entangled in one another's hearts is dangerous and unwise. It is good to be encouragement to one another. It is good for guys and gals to be friends. But it is also dangerous and difficult to keep your hearts from becoming too intertwined and without at least one person getting hurt.
This is what I am learning. This is what I am feeling.
I suppose, a disclaimer: I don't feel that I am to not be dating. Which might seem like it is in opposition to what I am saying, but it is not. I am learning to not pursue the relationship myself. It is not my job to pursue someone romantically. It is not my job to ask someone on a date. So, until I am asked on a date or know that someone has feelings for me (that I have feelings for in return), I am striving to not pursue that idea of relationships. That romantic, "Oh, does he like me?"
I am trying to submit that to the Lord. I know that the right man will not simply screw around but instead be direct, purposeful and intentional and make his motives clear. When that day comes, then I know that I will not be alone and I can allow my heart to be intertwined with that person's.
And, I know that the right man will be the right man, by possessing the qualities of a godly man.
As usual, this writing is somewhat incoherent, but it is a quick view into my scattered mind. But I suppose, in some form of a conclusion: The Lord is teaching me to be alone. He is teaching me to rely on Him. And man, it is frustrating. Not because I'm angry with the Lord, and not because I don't know that He has what is best for me, but because it's the in-between. It's the me becoming the me I am supposed to be (not that that ever stops), but it is a time that should be wholly dedicated to seeking the Lord on my own. Instead I am distracted by boys, which is silliness if I ever heard it.
Like Jimbo has told me time and time again, "Lay it at the Lord's feet. He wants you to." So, I have and am and will continue to do that.
So that is that. I pray that my words are not lost. I pray that they resonate and that through reading this you can submit things to the Lord (even if they seem like silly things).
John 15:1-11
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
Like this artist?
View more of their work here: http://ashleyganddrew.com/
Also, check out this video on being alone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded
Today though, I am taking the time to talk about the Lord and his movement in my life. The quarter started off wonderfully, I thought I had all my ducks in a row and that this was just going to be peachy. Now, I would be a liar to say that wonderful things haven't happened, but since the beginning of the quarter some little monsters have hopped into this and sort of mucked things up.
But before I talk about the Little Loneliness Monsters, I will talk about the Lord's provision at the beginning of the quarter.
The Lord is ever-faithful, and the Lord is ever-providing. For that, I am truly eternally grateful. At the beginning of the quarter, the Lord reconciled my relationship with a dear friend who held bitterness against me through no inherent fault of my own (not to say I am without wrong), but rather a thorn of bitterness growing in her heart. I am so thankful that the Lord reconciled that relationship. Through that, I have been so blessed by her friendship. She truly is an amazing woman of God, and I didn't realize how much I was missing out on last quarter.
The Lord has also knit my heart closely with my friend Kat. I cannot say enough good things about the Lord's faithfulness and providence in this friendship! I will not venture too deeply into this, because this is not my main point, but to say this: I have prayed with my dear sister Kat that our hearts would be knit tightly together. I feel that that has been done to a point where I can trust her with everything and know that she will listen, understand and not hide the truth from me when it needs to be made known. I am ever blessed by her friendship.
I feel the real focus of my Winter quarter has been being alone. Not loneliness necessarily, but simply being alone. I don't mean to digress to differentiate between the two words, but bear with me for a moment.
At the deepest core of my being, I will never be lonely. I don't feel lonely now, and I don't expect that I will ever truly believe that I am entirely lonely. I cannot be and still claim to believe what I believe. The Lord is always with me, always living in me. Let that be known before I press on.
Now, I press on, I am learning to be alone. This may be one of the most frustrating things in existence and I'm really horrible at it. I don't mean this in the sense that I am separating myself from community, but my meaning is twofold. One, I need to take time to be alone. Jesus was leaving the crowds all the time to go off and pray. I need to do that.
Two, I mean, I don't feel an overwhelming desire to just have a boyfriend. I do want one, yes. I do want to have one person that I can sit and talk to and know that they'll be there tomorrow. But I am learning to put it out of my mind until it becomes something I need to worry about.
I love building my life together with someone. That intertwining that happens in a relationship. I trust it will come at some point. I trust that at some point I will find a person who feels as strongly about me as I do about them. It is a desire on my heart, and know that the Lord sees that and will hear my prayer. I trust and know these things.
But it's that interim. It's the time where I have to learn to be alone. It's the time where I need to work on being deeply rooted in the Lord. Who knows how long this interim will be? Only the Lord. And I need to trust in that outside of just saying, "I trust in the Lord." I need to wholly submit my spirit to God and let Him provide what is best in its own time.
Now, that's all good and well, but it's very difficult. Especially when I find myself surrounded by men of God whom I truly care about and have a real desire to get to know better (not necessarily in a romantic sense). But there's a point where getting that entangled in one another's hearts is dangerous and unwise. It is good to be encouragement to one another. It is good for guys and gals to be friends. But it is also dangerous and difficult to keep your hearts from becoming too intertwined and without at least one person getting hurt.
This is what I am learning. This is what I am feeling.
I suppose, a disclaimer: I don't feel that I am to not be dating. Which might seem like it is in opposition to what I am saying, but it is not. I am learning to not pursue the relationship myself. It is not my job to pursue someone romantically. It is not my job to ask someone on a date. So, until I am asked on a date or know that someone has feelings for me (that I have feelings for in return), I am striving to not pursue that idea of relationships. That romantic, "Oh, does he like me?"
I am trying to submit that to the Lord. I know that the right man will not simply screw around but instead be direct, purposeful and intentional and make his motives clear. When that day comes, then I know that I will not be alone and I can allow my heart to be intertwined with that person's.
And, I know that the right man will be the right man, by possessing the qualities of a godly man.
As usual, this writing is somewhat incoherent, but it is a quick view into my scattered mind. But I suppose, in some form of a conclusion: The Lord is teaching me to be alone. He is teaching me to rely on Him. And man, it is frustrating. Not because I'm angry with the Lord, and not because I don't know that He has what is best for me, but because it's the in-between. It's the me becoming the me I am supposed to be (not that that ever stops), but it is a time that should be wholly dedicated to seeking the Lord on my own. Instead I am distracted by boys, which is silliness if I ever heard it.
Like Jimbo has told me time and time again, "Lay it at the Lord's feet. He wants you to." So, I have and am and will continue to do that.
So that is that. I pray that my words are not lost. I pray that they resonate and that through reading this you can submit things to the Lord (even if they seem like silly things).
John 15:1-11
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."
Like this artist?
View more of their work here: http://ashleyganddrew.com/
Also, check out this video on being alone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded
You just verbalized exactly how I have been feeling this quarter too. We should have a coffee date sometime. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're such a blessing, Paige, and I really admire you. Praying with you and for you, girl!
(Also, that video was kind of amazing.)
Internet huggles! -squeeze- Oh, and Happy Valentines Day, too!
ReplyDeleteValentines Day seems to be the day when all the single people seem to scatter and freak out, thinking, "HOMG I NEED UN DATE CUZ TIS VALENTINES DAYYY!" But we smart gurlz know pagan holidays don't need the attention they don't deserve. xDD
I know how you feel. I've struggled with it for years, basically since the day when boys no longer fell under the "icky" category. xD I give up my whole love life to the Lord, cuz I know he knows what's best. If and when he decides I need a man in my life, he'll send one. And it's gunna be a persistent sunuvagun, cuz I turn down boys faster than Lady Godiva turns corners. xD I have no idea if that made any sense, but hopefully you get the picture. xD
I love you lots Paige! Miss you tons! And have tons of fun in that fancy college of yours! xD