I've been wanting to share my experiences with body image, diet, exercise, etc. for awhile, but have struggled to know how to approach it. With each passing year sharing anything about my life gets more difficult because it's all so related. It's hard to view any one happening in a vacuum when I know it's rooted in a history.
The thing that has finally driven me to write this post is the million conversations I have had about my experience and my re-committing to being gluten-, dairy-, and soy-free. When you write a blog post, people tend to work to keep you honest to what you say. Many of you are probably thinking, "But wait! I thought you were already gluten- and dairy-free?" Well, I was and then slowly but surely I had a little here and a little there. Moving back to Savannah, the dam broke open and I haven't been eating like that since August (with some unfortunate consequences).
Many of you know that two years ago I had a blood test done to test for food sensitivities called the ALCAT. The ALCAT tests for food sensitivity (not allergy) and helps to eliminate foods that cause inflammation. My list was more intense than most. I cut the following foods from my diet for 3 months in an attempt to reduce inflammation.
Severe Intolerance: Black beans, canola oil, cauliflower, cinnamon, cocoa, iceberg lettuce, kelp, leek, lemon, licorice, parsnip, pomegranate, radish
Moderate Intolerance: Acorn squash, bay leaf, beef, bell peppers, blueberries, cantaloupe, chick pea, corn, cranberry, cucumber, date, eggplant, fennel seed, fig, grapefruit, honey, hops, kidney bean, lentils, lime, macadamia, malt, mung bean, nectarine, oats, peanut, plum, pork, portobello mushroom, raspberry, saffron, sage, salmon, scallions, shrimp, soybean, sunflower, tapioca, tomato.
As well as: Cane sugar, maple sugar, HFCS; Gluten (including wheat, rye, barley, spelt); Cow's milk and goat's milk.
Because this list was so intense, I could not remove the things I have a mild intolerance to: artichoke, baker's yeast, basil, black/green teas, cabbage, caraway, carob, cayenne pepper, celery, chicken, clove, coconut, codfish, coffee, cumin, duck, eggs, ginger, grape, haddock, honeydew (melon), mustard seed, navy bean, orange, papaya, pecan, pineapple, pistachio, pumpkin, rice, sardines, sesame, spinach, strawberry, trout, turmeric, turnip and veal.
As you can see, the test revealed that my body hates food. I share this because receiving back the ALCAT results helped me make sense of what was happening in my body in an objective way. I had been slowly, steadily gaining weight for years. Even in college when I was biking a minimum of 20 miles a week, on my feet all day, eating healthy portion sizes, etc. I was still gaining weight. I could not figure out why. This test showed me that much of what was happening in my body was that my body was irritated by the foods I was eating, no matter how "healthy" or "unhealthy" they were.
So, let's rewind. I said I wanted to talk about body image and here I am just talking about food.
Bodies are funny things. As long as I can remember, I've viewed my body this way: I was always curious what it could do: "How do you make your eyes cross?" "Can you control them independently?" "How do burps work?" "What happens if I stretch my face this way?" "These freckles look like a shrimp." I found humor, and a sense of detachment from my body. It was simply the body I was given. Like any body, it responds to how it is treated. If you eat poorly, your body will reflect that. If you exercise, you will see your body change.
I grew up quickly, I was 5'4" and 120lbs by the time I was 11. I was active: I did karate, monkey bars, basketball, chased boys around the playground, rode my bike, went hiking. During this time, my two step-sisters were involved in dance and both were thin. My mother is also thin, and at 11 years old, I weighed over ten pounds more than her. This became a point of comparison and my weight was a frequent topic of conversation in our home. I was the fat one. I am (and likely always will be) larger than my sisters. I am built like my dad’s side of the family. This is simply genetics, but it was still called to light frequently by most of my siblings.*
At first those comments hurt, but I realized somewhere, that their comments had more to do with them and their perception than with me. My siblings and my parents were concerned with my weight but I wasn’t. My body wasn’t theirs. However, I kept covered up and hidden. I did not want others talking about my body.
I was very blessed to have others speaking a different story. At some point (I believe in my freshman year of high school) my great aunt Jeanette sat me down and showed me pictures of when she was young. She was a classic beauty. She pointed herself out in the photos and asked, “Do you think I was fat?”
“No, of course not! You were stunning!”
“Well, I thought I was fat. Don’t you let other people go on telling you that you’re something that you aren’t. You are beautiful, healthy. Take care of yourself.”
At the time, I felt like her words were nice things, but they didn’t apply to me. I didn’t struggle with body issues. I didn’t want to be thin. I was happy being the chubby, nerdy girl. Fat has always been a comfortable thing. I was never obese, just slightly overweight, and pretty pleased. I was also very detached from my body. Since then, Jeanette’s words have come back to comfort me and now, I look back at pictures from when I was young and wonder the same thing, “How could I have thought I was fat?”
The self-perception remained. I was “the fat one.” It was simply my lot in life. I wasn’t naturally athletic, and I had no desire to be thin or controlled by the desire. And later on I realized that being slightly overweight afforded me more comforts: I was out of the watchful eye of most men and not in competition with other women. I was seen as friendly, non-threatening, etc. Fat afforded me anonymity. It also afforded me an excuse for my singleness.
I wasn’t one of “those girls” who obsessed over their bodies and was so focused on appearance. I wanted substance I wanted to be a girl who was appreciated for the beauty of her soul, of her mind, of her wit and humor. I could blame men for being shallow and not seeing all of my other clearly great qualities. With all this mess of self-righteousness, let us march onward.
A year into seminary, I started w orking for a company that really emphasized clean eating (which naturally I scoffed at). I had been gaining weight again, trying to find time to exercise (but making a million excuses), and having IBS symptoms. I decided to give the ALCAT a try.
I committed 100% to the diet. I bought coconut sugar, hemp cereal, everything. I learned how to make pancakes from bananas and eggs, how to snack on unsalted, raw cashews, pecans, etc. I became an expert label-reader. Pretty quickly I began to lose weight.
In the first few weeks I lost the initial inflammation weight (about 10-15 pounds). I felt good, my mind was clear, my body felt healthy. I continued to lose weight. Pretty soon sleeping became uncomfortable. My knees felt knobby, I was always cold. I didn’t recognize my body in the mirror. Men started paying attention to me while I was out. I liked how I looked in pictures.
I was conflicted. I was scared. I really didn’t like how thin I was getting, but I knew the foods I was eating were good for my body. My body was functioning more regularly. Finally, the three months were over. I had lost nearly 35 pounds. I was very weak. I had lost fat and muscle in abundance. My body ached.
I began to add foods back in. I asked my parents for a gym membership for Christmas (and they wonderfully obliged and allowed me to work with a personal trainer). This whole journey has led me to view my body really differently.
When I lost weight, I was confronted with the identity I had found in being fat. The comfort I had found. This whole process had uncovered a fear I had of being thin (that I hadn’t known was there). Exercise uncovered how much I judged those who worked out as vain.
The physical was challenging me spiritually. Suddenly I realized that my body isn’t just funny, or separate. My body is me just as much as my soul. I think we often elevate the spiritual over the physical, but what I've come to realize is that my body is a gift just as much as the soul is a gift. It's part of who God made me to be: a human being with a body and a soul. This body is a gift and it's my gift to take care of.
Now, we know that this body is wasting away. This body will one day fail. Already I struggle against asthma, allergies, sensitivities, chronic knee pain, etc. but the Christian has great hope that our bodies will be resurrected. They will be made new. We will not simply be souls separate from our bodies for eternity.
And right now, this body we have is important. We must learn to care for our bodies along with our spirit. When I moved back to Savannah, I began eating gluten and dairy again because it was convenient. I didn’t want to be an imposition to people and I didn't want to do the extra work of preparing meals or eating before events. As a result, I started gaining weight again. I was dealing with the pain and discomfort that come with eating things I shouldn’t. I wasn’t exercising self-control or discipline. I was allowing ease and laziness to dictate my meals.
So, here I am again. I’ve been gluten-, dairy-, and soy-free for the last two-three weeks. I have lost 10-12 lbs of inflammation. On March 1st, I will do another cleanse of all of my ALCAT foods and then slowly, methodically discover what bothers me. This time, I have a regular workout routine, a support network of others with similar issues, and hopefully a bit more grace for myself and others.
I know that many of you are on your own journeys of health. Some of you have eating disorders, some of you have fought against hating your bodies, some of you fight chronic pain. I hope that we can encourage one another. Our bodies are a gift. But they are also wasting away as sin remains in this broken world. In all things, we should look to the One who made it all.
May we look to Christ and treasure the gift of life He has given us. May we look to Him and how He came bodily and dwelt among us. May His Spirit dwell richly in us and may we find our identity in Him. We cannot elevate the body above the spirit, but we cannot simply neglect our bodies as if that were the most spiritual thing to do.
“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“So is it with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.”
1 Corinthians 15:42-44 ESV
Thank you for reading through my fractured thoughts and journey. There is more to be said, more stories to be told, but we all have a million moments that have made us who we are and must curate for the sake of the story. *I don't think any of my siblings or family members realized how mean their comments were and it is something that since we have grown older has change. My siblings are among the most loving, supportive people I know. They remind me (even when I would rather not be reminded) that I am more than just goofy, I am beautiful.
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